The Eye of The Storm

Lost in the Jungle

2010-10-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Relevant.com has quickly become one of my favorite Christian news/entertainment outlets. Their stories are yes, relevant, thought-provoking and they don't steer away from the sensitive issues most Christian organizations would rather just not talk about. Sex, Homosexuality, Depression, Abuse, Faith Issues, Complacency, Hypocrisy, etc etc etc. It is there, and it is real and raw.

Hitting home today is a blog entitled "Breaking Out of Our Cages."

Most of us would say we want the kind of life that is filled with passion, novelty, faith, vibrancy, anticipation and depth. Does that describe your life? I wish it described mine. The truth is that these characteristics describe an undomesticated existence, one that requires constant risk and an ability to survive in the wild.

The wild is where God is walking. The front yard is where most of us are staying.

One of the annoying things about living in the wild is that we have no idea what is going to happen next. The word “annoying” doesn’t really describe the feeling … it’s more like exhausting. Sure it’s exciting at first. But after a while it gets really hard trying to plan a life where plans are not part of the plan. The problem is that humanity has a deep need to create some sense of stability in this chaotic universe we have been thrown in to, yet, at the same time, we have an even deeper need to surrender control to the God who threw us here.

We are at war within ourselves between control and surrender, captivity and the wild.

This is me.

I am in the wild right now . . . but its not what i thought it would be. Security for me would be career success. Security would be career movement. Security would be knowing what is next. I don't. So, for me, for yet another day, I feel like I'm in the jungle. I believe God has us to live in the wild as it pertains to trusting in him for direction and guidance. This blog states, "We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages."

Cages don't seem enticing, rewarding or satisfying. But I feel like in a cage, i'd at least know where I was. I would know what to plan for. I would know what was expected. I would know what to do. If the wild is where i'm supposed to be, why do I feel so lost? The wild is an adventure yes, but it is also painful and frustrating and heart-wrenching. The wild for me is simply being completely helpless. The wild for me is not understanding "the plan"....not understanding why God won't lead me somewhere...anywhere ... I am wandering in this wild jungle because I believe with my whole heart God's will is what I want. But the wild isn't always the place we romanticize about. It isn't always the rush of adventure or the thrill of the unknown. The wild is a lonely, desolate place.

blog going on Technorati!

2010-10-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

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Religious Test Gives Us an "F"

2010-09-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

Basic Religion Test Stumps Many Americans
The New York Times

When it comes to religion, most Americans are deeply ignorant. So says the new poll from the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. Sadly, it's not that surprising to me. We are a "religious" people. Many of us would say we are "spiritual." We go to church or some other form of weekly gathering. We worship, fellowship, get "filled up" and then go on our merry way. But are we so caught up in practicing our faith we forget the fundamentals about The Bible, about Jesus, about other religions? How are we ever supposed to intelligently speak to someone about the differences in what we believe if a question about Ramadan leaves us perplexed or the only Joseph Smith we can remember is our favorite teller at the bank?

I am definitely not advocating a departure from the intimate, personal faith walk to a cold fact and figure based knowledge that could rival the Pharisees. I think it is concerning however, that we could say we are a religious people and not know or remember who the father of the Protestant Reformation was. How are we to understand what it means to be Christian, understand our own faith walk, understand the heart and power of our Heavenly Father if we don't understand how deeply intertwined faith and history are? To know where we are going, we have to understand where we have come -- as a religion, as a race, as a country.

Not only did the New York Times article on this poll report that most people could answer only half the questions correctly (and most flubbed up questions on their own faith), but those who scored the highest were atheists and agnostics. This excerpt from the NY Times article makes me cringe . . .

That finding might surprise some, but not Dave Silverman, president of American Atheists, an advocacy group for nonbelievers that was founded by Madalyn Murray O’Hair.

“I have heard many times that atheists know more about religion than religious people,” Mr. Silverman said. “Atheism is an effect of that knowledge, not a lack of knowledge. I gave a Bible to my daughter. That’s how you make atheists.”

"Atheism is an effect of that knowledge [religious knowledge], not a lack" . . . Silverman says. And like a slap in the face to Christianity, the way to make an Atheist? Give them a Bible. I don't pretend to understand the heart of one who says there is no God when all around them are the imaginative Creator's fingerprints. I do believe though, that the Bible holds the key to Truth - whether one accepts it or not. As Christians, we believe the Bible to be the definitive Word of God. As we know and study it, our eyes are opened and our heart is softened. Our obligation is to know the Bible, to study it, to hide its words in our hearts. Why? To use it - to use it against the lies and deceit of the enemy who says there is no God. It is not only the Bible, though, that enables us to put into words our faith in a personal Savior. What was it about the Roman Catholic faith that Martin Luther found ultimately empty? What was his soul yearning for that couldn't be satisfied with works or penance or tradition? History and a knowledge about how religion has played a part can and should be our teacher too.

Modern Christianity vilifies the term "religious" in favor of "spiritual" or "Christ-follower." Have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater? Isn't it our obligation as "Christ-followers" to know and understand "religion" too?

Country First

2010-09-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

"Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives."
- John Adams

Reading the 700+ page biography, John Adams, by David McCullough, has caused me both consternation and incredible awe over a man, or rather a couple, that aught to be revered more. Yes, he was the second president of the United States and yes, he was an influential founding father. Beyond these two vague and loosely thrown around terms, however, stands a man whose devotion to his country bordered on the superhuman. In an age where travel was limited to mainly horse or boat, Adams journeyed more than 29,000 miles in the service of his country. He crossed the Atlantic four times, traveled thousands of miles in France, Spain, the Netherlands, and England and spent nearly 10 consecutive years away from his beloved homeland in the quest for securing peace, prosperity and independence for the brand new United States of America. That his dedication was perhaps one of the most driving forces behind the fledgling America's bid for freedom and independence is a fact few would argue. It was his devotion, though, in the face of all odds and at the price of long separations from his "dearest friend" Abigail that I doubt many today fully appreciate.

I hear myself complaining about what is asked of my husband (and us as a couple) by the military way more than I am proud to admit. The incredible intensity, focus, and time this latest six-month training program has demanded of Bo has had me at my wits end more than once as I struggle to give him the space he needs and the freedom to put "us" totally on the back burner. Every success he's had in this program and every hurdle he's jumped has been a victory for both of us, and I have really really tried - in both word and deed - to support him unconditionally. I have to admit, though, my brave face has seen its share of ups and downs, and I'm afraid the "strong, independent" woman Bo thought he married has become an emotional, needy basket case on more than one occasion.

It is during these past few months that I have read about Abigail Adams and can't help but feel ashamed of my own weakness and more than a little baffled at her fortitude of spirit and support of her husband in the face of incredible personal sacrifice. Theirs was a match of equal intellects and passions. John described their connection as "steel to a magnet" and for the entirety of their long marriage would rely upon her for not only encouragement, but her advice and opinions on the large looming matters of the day - the American Revolution and subsequent forming of a republic. Abigail understood and loved her husband all the more for his inability to stay quiet on such matters or stay home when there was so much work to be done.

"You cannot be, I know, nor do I wish to see you, an inactive spectator . . . We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them," she wrote.

She also saw, as did her husband, the need to completely break away from England even when many continued to hope for peaceful compromise with the mother country. She wrote to John while he was in Philadelphia at the Continental Congress, "A people may let a King fall, yet still remain a people, but if a King let his people slip from him, he is no longer a King. And as this is most certainly our case, why not proclaim to the world in decisive terms our own importance?"

"I think you shine as a stateswoman," he responded proudly, calling her his "choicest blessing." Although apart for years at a time, their correspondence leaves little doubt as to how much they relied on each other and respected each other.

Abigail and John's time apart was frequent and always uncertain in length. Once, home from the Continental Congress for just a few short months, Adams left again, this time leaving Abigail pregnant. He was gone nearly a year this time as Abigail went through her entire pregnancy and delivered a still-born baby girl with only his frequent letters to give her strength. She bravely wrote to tell him the news, adding, "Tis almost 14 years since we were united, but not more than half that time we had the happiness of living together. The unfeeling world may consider it in what light they please, I consider it a sacrifice to my country and one of my greatest misfortunes." News of his appointment as Commissioner to France came just weeks after arriving back home. Neither Abigail nor John hesitated in his acceptance of the appointment-- it would be a year and half before they saw each other again. Abigail wrote to her sister, "Known only to my own heart is the sacrifice I have made and the conflict it has cost me." After his return, Adams would be called to serve as diplomat in Europe again the following year, this time he wouldn't see Abigail for over three years.

From lawyer and outspoken patriot to delegate to the First Continental Congress to American diplomat, Adams was instrumental in crafting the final drafts of the Declaration of Independence. He wrote the Massachusetts Constitution - one of the greatest, enduring documents of the American Revolution to this day - established the first foreign legation, was the first signer of the Treaty of Paris ending the Revolutionary War, and appeared before the King of England as the first minister of the new United States of America.

David McCullough writes, "Few Americans ever achieved so much of such value and consequence to their country in so little time. Above all, with his sense of urgency and unrelenting drive, Adams made the Declaration of Independence happen when it did. Had it come later, the course of events could have gone very differently." Some of Adams greatest victories however came in the annals of American diplomacy through his profound and successful work in bringing to the world stage the new and independent United States of America.

Both Abigail and John Adams recognized they lived in monumental times. Their country needed them and it was never a question that they would rise to the occasion and do all they humanely could for the love and sake of that one truest of all ideals - freedom. Their willingness to sacrifice and their passionate drive to build a better country are attributes we all could use to imitate more profoundly. I don't have either spirit or strength equal to that of Abigail Adams, but I do know that Bo and my calling to serve this country we love is infinitely greater than the little sacrifice required. Even in my weakest moments I can cling to that.

great photojournalism of PJ's

2010-08-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

Not much is said about the Air Force Pararescuemen. Even their motto, "That Others May Live" is a testament to the silent professionalism these men eschew every day. Nevertheless, in both Iraq and Afghanistan as well as other parts of the world, they are known and respected as the military's best medics and greatest rescue operators in this war. They fly constantly, often performing numerous soirées or missions each shift. As my brother finishes up his second tour in OEF, we strain to understand what life is like over there. . . the daily reality of grim and gory scenes and the band of brothers with which he fights to save yet another life.

This montage by Michael Yon gives some good insight . . . Click above to view the complete link.

From Despair to Delight - Psalm 13

2010-08-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

I fight this panicky sense of desperation lately...wanting so badly to have things happen...and watching helplessly as my plans fall like innumerable grains of sand through my fingers. I've pleaded with God these past weeks that His will be done - His will and not mine. But when, yet again, I come up empty handed I struggle with understanding what then His plan is. Am I so far off? How long do I . . .can I. . . wait? And then, like a sweet spring shower bringing life and freshness and hope, I am reminded again that His plan is worth waiting for. That He hasn't forgotten. That no matter what, He is still worthy. More worthy than i could ever fathom.

This is my prayer in the desert, when all else within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides.
And this is my prayer in the fire . . .

I will bring praise, I will bring praise . . . no weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice; I will declare; God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

Yes God, no matter the circumstances, no matter the struggle, no matter the feelings of desperation, longing, the hunger for answers - I STILL have reason to sing. YOU are my reason to worship. No matter what goes "wrong" in life - YOU are still God.

David, in his darkest hour still clung to the hope that is You. "Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil." He mimics my heart's cry when he asks (Psalm 13:1-3), "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me? . . . Consider and hear me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes."

And then I hear again those words from Hillsong United, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have reason to sing; I have reason to worship." And David wakes, as if from a stupor, (13:5), "But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me."

In EVERY season, You are still God. I have a reason to worship.

2010-07-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

I struggle with the truth that I know to be God's love. I believe in it whole-heartedly, have felt it unmistakably, and yet still find myself doubting his affection, his attention, his passion for me. Yes, my very real Heavenly Father loves me. I get that. But when I try to wrap my mind around the idea that He actually delights in making me happy, I struggle. The word love is thrown around so loosely, it's easy to accept the phrase, "He loves you," without fully comprehending the depth of the word. He is passionate that I find myself through Him. He cares about opening my eyes to the path He has set forward . . .MORE than my own desire to see that path. He wants to hear ME...MORE than I long to hear Him. Can we fathom the depths of His longing to commune with us?

He says in Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." I find myself getting so caught up in planning my own future, sometimes i feel like i'm going to God after the fact with, "This is ok, right? This is your plan?"

"I know the plans I have for you" He says. HE KNOWS. The problem? I don't. I think I might. I think I'm hoping I do. But do I trust Him enough to let HIS plans play out in my life, whatever they might be? Do I trust Him enough to let His burning desire to love me and shower me with good things - - things like hope and future - - guide my actions? Do I understand His love enough to trust Him?

I just know I want to.

Little Pleasures of Life

2010-07-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

There are so many big things we take for granted in this life. The things we take most pleasure in, we often appreciate the least. One of my biggest pleasures of life are the incredible landscapes i see in the country side. And I've realized... my biggest pleasure in beholding a rolling green landscape with a big white farm house and an even bigger red barn is what most people just skip right over. However abstract and just plain weird, its this little detail I've come to appreciate and admire. It is the fence.

I don’t remember exactly when my love affair with fencing began. Perhaps it started while surveying our handiwork after an afternoon building fence on my parents’ property in rural Montana. Perhaps it was watching all those rotten cedar posts pulled out, not once but twice, to eventually make way for vinyl. Perhaps it started while watching scores of animals brush against, rub against, and lean against all types of fencing, noticing which ones withstood the wear and which ones caved. Whatever prompted my fascination, the fact remains: all it takes is the sight of a straight, good-looking white fence to make me swoon about a property . . . and for my husband to say with his wry grin, “Oh you and your fences.”

If eyes are the windows into one’s soul, then fences, for me, are the windows into one’s home. We are taught not to judge a book by its cover, but I routinely and with no remorse judge a property by its fence line. Although acres of white vinyl against a backdrop of green lush pastures make me an invariable goner, even a strong line of cedar planks or treated pine boards can be equally enticing.

As a young couple recently moved to the area, we have logged innumerable hours driving around the Sandhills in search of our own slice of heaven. Although both my husband and I appreciate the same kind of rustic beauty in the old farm houses sprinkled liberally around the area, for me it is always the fencing that prompts me to either crane my head for one lingering look or dismiss the property as “just ok.”

I’ve come to realize, it isn’t so much the fence’s purpose that intrigues me. Instead, it is the invitation a fence can offer. It is the invitation to imagine what lies beyond in all its mystery and its potential. Vinyl invites big dreams—dreams of Wonder, my bay quarter horse filly I sold in high school to finance my year studying abroad; dreams of galloping bareback through the thick pasture grass knowing the only thing to harness either of our abandoned elation would be the corner property line; dreams of big red barns and shadowed stalls filled with the aroma I once told my mother I wanted to use as perfume.

Although partial to the crisp lines and contrast of white vinyl, it isn’t the only fencing that makes my head spin with a slew of images and possibilities. Dark wood rail fencing invites dreams of a sprawling ranch home, of a John Deere tractor under the lean-to and a big chocolate lab on the front porch. Long stretches of hot wire or pipe fencing invites thoughts of vast acreage, of hidden ponds and wallows thick with brush and wildlife. Even barbed wire can be inviting in the right setting. I think calves and cowboys with wide-brimmed hats. I think of life 50 years ago and wonder—yet again—if perhaps I was mistakenly born in the wrong decade. But then again, vinyl wasn’t around 50 years ago.

Comments that make us cringe

2010-07-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

The wife of a senior officer in the Pentagon recently shared with me a list of "14 things not to say to a military spouse" that was given to her. They are so brutally truthful that you can't help but laugh out loud and groan "yes!" at the same time to each one. Although a military wife for less than three years, I've heard almost every single one. Here is one of my favorites . . . (and by favorite, I mean one I hate the most)

"Oh, that's horrible . . . I'm so sorry!"

I want to hi-five the creator of this list for her response . . .

"He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad. If you want to say anything, say thank you."

Amen, sister. We know you are trying to be comforting and nice. But you aren't. Don't pity us. Respect the decision that we have made to sacrifice the "typical" life in order to fight for what we believe in. My husband is a warrior. He's the biggest bad-ass I know. He is doing what he loves, what he (and I) feel called to do, and playing an active role in making this country safer and more secure. I'm not sorry; why are you sorry?

And the time spent apart may be horrible, the danger that he is in may be horrible, dealing with all the crap of life and home and bills by yourself may be horrible. But obviously it is worth it or we wouldn't be doing it. Thanks for bringing all that up though.

If we are complaining to you, I guarantee "Oh, that's horrible . . . I'm so sorry," isn't going to make us feel better. Offer some appreciation for what he is out doing. On a really bad day being reminded of the incredible bad-ass-ness (it should be a word) of our husband will make us feel a whole lot better than looking down your nose at the decision we've made to protect your comfy little life.

Another on the list of what not to say to a military spouse ties right in with the previous, "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it." We know you are trying to again be nice and maybe even complimentary. Once again, you're not. I doubt very many of us had military wife on the dream sheet as little girls. Like the creator of this insightful list points out, we're aren't made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable - we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rise to the challenge and find the strength to make it work.

So please. Don't be sorry for the decision we've made to lead this life, and don't think we are invincible because of that choice. I may call (and believe) my husband is Superman, but I most definitely am not. Just be thankful we are taking this challenge so you don't have to.

Whew...ok, I'm off my soap box. (There are plenty of other humorous, tormenting, and utterly stupid comments left on the list, however, so I may get back on).

MSNBC news clip on Pararescuemen

2010-07-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/38094526#38094526

Although not all-inclusive, this is a great little clip by MSNBC detailing what Pararescuemen are doing in Afghanistan, Iraq and other theaters around the world. Noted at the end is the accident that took the lives of three PJs and one aircrew member.

Facing the music

2010-06-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

An HH-60 Blackhawk helicopter was shot down in Afghanistan early Wednesday morning. Three PJ's on board died, two of whom were our friends. The news came like a shock wave.

Although part of this war for the last 4 years with both a brother and a husband on the front lines, death has managed to elude my small sphere. Unlike many, we hadn't been yet slapped across the face with the cold reality of the "ultimate sacrifice" talked about so much. Not any more. Now it's real in a way I couldn't quite comprehend before. I ache for my friend, a young widow who was going through her husband's first deployment. My chest tightens and the lump in my throat gets so big i can't see straight. I want to just put my arms around her, all the while being forced to acknowledge that who i'm really trying to comfort is myself -- and ignore the biting whisper reminding me, "this could very well be you."

We talk about sacrifice a lot. Asked to live it -- in this way -- and i just want to run for the hills. When asked how I do "this military life" I've always said i can't and won't be ruled by fear. You have to give your life, your marriage, your spouse up to One who holds all things in His hands. I'm not sure anymore i know how to live that motto out. I pray for strength to let go of the things I hold most dear . . . strength to live "this military life" for however many more years we are called to . . . but its a prayer whispered through tight lips and a wildly beating heart.

I wish i was with you dear friend, in your emptiness, angst, confusion and despair. I wish I could comfort you. All I can say is I'm sorry. To my dear brothers in arms and my dear friend, I am so sorry.

Courage

2010-05-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve heard courage defined as staring fear in the face and continuing on regardless. Courage isn’t the absence of fear then, but rather the determination to overcome it. I see this trait in both the military circles I’m surrounded with and the bright-eyed and determined young exchange students from all over the world I’m working to place with host families. Though the connection may not seem obvious, I can’t help but compare the patriotism that leads some to go abroad to fight for their freedoms and those whose patriotism lead them to live abroad that they may learn and appreciate not just that new culture, but indeed, more of their own.

Is it the appeal of adventure, the uncovering of the unknown, the love of homeland, or simply the unquenchable desire to be an active part of the moving force shaping and changing this ever shrinking world? I venture: a mixture of it all.

In the small biographies I have of each student I meet Faten, a Muslim girl from Yemen. Peering beneath her beautiful deep blue head covering is a wide smile and piercing brown eyes. I learn that she is a practicing Muslim and follows a Halal diet, but plays volleyball and is an avid swimmer. While in the US, she is excited to do community service and share the culture and history of her country. I am working with exchange students from the Czech Republic, Brazil, Switzerland, Thailand and Norway to name a few, and the desire and excitement to study in the United States is no less apparent. But it is Faten from Yemen that makes me believe even more deeply in the idea that exchanging our youth to study each other and return to teach others is quite possibly the most influential and important way to foster global understanding, tear down human rights abuses, and ultimately gain peace. It is an end result that, at least in theory, is what prompts the military to go abroad as well.

Situated in the volatile Arabian Peninsula and just over the Red Sea from Somalia and Djibouti, it’s no secret Yemen and the US relationship has been strained at best. The Department of State’s website warns travelers of the high security threat level due to terrorist activities in the country, and advises all travelers to defer non-essential trips. It was from this area that the Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) group claimed responsibility for the attempted bombing of the Northwest Airlines flight on Christmas Day last year, and who have repeatedly threatened Westerners working in Embassies and elsewhere in the country. In the last few years numerous kidnappings, car bombs, and suicide bombs have taken place all at the hands of suspected al-Quaeda operatives in Yemen killing tourists, government agents, embassy workers and Yemeni nationals. In short, Yemen is not exempt from the turmoil swirling in the Middle East, nor are they free from the Muslim radicals that would attempt to persuade any young person of self-sacrificing hatred toward the free world.

It is out of this atmosphere, that I find young Faten steadfastly determined to come to America. I see in her the hope and optimism of youth – the desire to understand, the desire to better both cultures, the desire to reach some sort of peace through realizing we are all more alike than we are different. And like our brave soldiers, I see courage: a courage to overcome the fear, a courage to make a difference.

Deterred but Undaunted . . . Kind of

2010-04-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

So even the best laid plans fail. Well, they weren't the best laid, but they were planned with an incredible amount of optimism, hope, and anticipation. And yet they were no match for Murphy's Law and Mother Nature -- a lethal combination.

Although we've been married for 2 1/2 years, Bo and I have really never had a honeymoon, unless our two days in Breckenridge count before we once again parted ways. (He went back to his training in New Mexico, and I to my dorm room in Southern California). So in an effort to make up for some lost time we planned an 8-day cruise around Italy, Greece, and Turkey. I get starry-eyed just thinking about it. But Iceland's volcano apparently needed to blow its cap just before we were scheduled to go to Europe, thwarting our plans . . . and those of thousands of others.

As devastated as I was . . . and still am, it is humbling to think of the many stories that came out of that natural disaster that were true disappointments. Stories like organ transplants that were scheduled to happen, but the doctor couldn't get back to his OR; workers who lost their jobs because of strict time-frames; and schools that closed because so many teachers couldn't get back to their students. Although i can't help but wonder where my long lost cruise ship is or what i would have been doing right now on board, I guess this is the part of life where you lift your chin and say, "oh well, there will be a next time."

I want to start planning my "next time" right now...

How the other half lives

2010-03-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

I met a girl the other day who had been with her boyfriend for six years and literally couldn't remember ever spending a night apart. "Oh, I'm sure there were a few nights," she said. The thought of having your partner at your side every night leaves me both starry eyed and baffled. Although I have tried, I literally have no concept of what that would be like. Even more - would I want that? . . . What would it be like to have two lives so completely intertwined so as to hardly differentiate where one starts and other stops? Would it be "us" or would there just stop being a "me?"

Bo is away and like most other times I am left feeling the sense of familiar liberation and worrisome loss of identity. I pride myself on my independence and my own, innate sense of who I am . . . as a wannabe writer, as an adventurer, as a woman . . . all the while reminding myself quite vocally, "I am NOT just a wife."

We are beginning a whole new chapter, and it is hard to not feel like I am just riding on the coattails of another. We are chasing his dreams and watching them come true. And while I couldn't be more proud or excited, its impossible to not be reminded every day that these dreams are his and not mine. I take them on as part of me, but at the same time hoping, praying, aching that in all the hulabaloo, I find myself as well.

Although the unconditional support and partnership of a wife to her husband is vital to any marriage, i am more and more convinced it is just as vital that each wife also have her own identity. Some might disagree, but i believe, without this independent and continually blossoming identity a military wife becomes just a shell. For every woman this identity is different and most definitely evolves throughout her life and her marriage. For some it is the joy of being a mother. For others, it is a homemaker. For still others it could be their office, classroom, boardroom or drawing easel.

I guess I'm still trying to decide what my identity is . . . what it will be. Is your identity something you get to decide? Or is it just handed out like hotdogs in Central Park? Do you really get to choose what goes on it and how it is made and how it looks? Or do you just take what is handed to you and be happy with it?

I want to choose it. I want to create my destiny and not just let it happen. I want excitement and variety. I want travel and adventure and newness every day. I want busyness coupled with the ability to escape. I want to explore not only places but people and things, events and histories. I want to uncover mysteries and awaken people's curiosities. I want to whet their appetite and therefore satisfy my own. I want a challenge, and I want fulfillment.

As a recent college graduate, disenchanted with the workplace i've experienced so far, I'm not sure how realistic my list of wants are. But that is the beauty of youth: huge goals with the naivety of undaunted optimism.

Maybe that is my identity right now: hopeful.

It is a good building block.

The People at the End of the Road

2010-01-24T12:59:00.000-08:00

It is not often we see a man so wholly, so unabashedly, and so passionately put his money where his mouth is. For Greg Mortenson, author of Three Cups of Tea and the newly released Stones into Schools, fulfilling a promise to an almost unknown people in the farthest reaches of the world has reverberated so deeply, it is now a daily part of his soul. For Mortenson and for the people he reaches in Pakistan and Afghanistan, education is not simply the obligatory next step, we Americans flippantly accept. Instead, for those whom everyone else has forgotten, education is life -- more than real shoes, decent food, increased industry or governmental assistance -- education is what they crave and need.

The thought makes my brow furrow and my mind race.

It is upon this building block that Mortenson, the CAI, and all the thousands of Afghani and Pakistani people clamoring for a school of their own, are hinging their future. It is with a deep-seated assurance that they know a better life is only possible with this possibility. Peace will reign, not with an increase in bombs but with books and education for girls as well as boys.

For the wife of a military man, this reality sinks in even as we increase the troops present in the war-torn region. I support that decision, but can't help but wonder if the military spent as much time teaching their children as rooting out their insurgents if we'd still have the chaos we see. Few people have inspired me as much as Greg Mortenson. It is with awe I realize how much is riding on his plan.

Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, understands the importance of what Greg Mortenson is doing as much as anyone. Even as he fights with weapons made of steel, he demonstrates the value of the weapon of education when he states, "The Muslim community is a subtle world we don't fully and don't always attempt to understand. Only through a shared appreciation of the people's culture, needs, and hopes for the future can we hope ourselves to supplant the extremist narrative. We cannot capture hearts and minds. We must engage them; we must listen to them, one heart and one mind at a time."

Living Out of Control

2010-01-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

While marveling the other day at the different turns my life has taken in the last five years, I couldn't help but pour out some of the crazy twists this journey called life has taken me on.

---------------------------------------

The timeline was all planned out.

After another semester abroad, finish school at a Christian university. Move to a large city and start my career. Work hard, and move up quickly. Don’t start dating anyone seriously until 26. Make my career a priority. Get married at 28. Keep my career a priority. Have children at 30. Continue moving up the corporate ladder.

I had my sights set, and everything was going according to plan. All I needed was control. With control came success, power, prestige, and that all-important attribute: independence.

And then, as only God can do, everything was turned on its head. Within six months I met, fell in love with, and married a kind of man I didn’t even believe existed. I was 21. My timeline was shot. My control was gone. My new husband was in the military, and I hadn’t even graduated college. The only thing I knew for certain was the future was out of my hands.

Although a “Christian” since the age of six, I had walked the fence for the last five years. I didn’t trust God to understand my needs, my desires, or my passions. I thought I was the only one I could trust to fulfill my heady aspirations. The last years had seen me live in other countries, graduate at the top of my class, be accepted into prestigious colleges, and yes, decide my own love life. I was making it happen—or so it seemed.

It was mostly in my sometimes-serious, sometimes-not-so-serious dating relationships that I felt the control slipping. Like Paul, I knew what not to do, but found myself doing that exact thing. I knew what to do, but found it almost impossible. What was wrong with me? I wasn’t finding satisfaction or fulfillment. I kept messing up and then hating myself for not being stronger. I couldn’t get it right; I was failing. And it seemed the harder I tried, the more shocking my mess-ups got.

I was ashamed and dirty and repugnant. I had failed.

In all of my years as a “Christian,” I had never gotten to this point. I had always maintained the façade of controlled obedience. From the outside looking in, I was the good girl. I played the game well. But I couldn’t ever bring myself to lay it all on the alter. To fully surrender would be to give me up, and that, I had always thought, was just too risky.

I remember vividly the day I submitted . Finally, completely, truly. I remember praying this prayer on my face in utter angst, “Lord, I surrender. I can’t do this. I trust you. I’m scared, but I trust you. I give up control, I give up my timeline, I give up my desire to control my relationships. No matter what it costs me, I will obey you.”

And like being wrapped in a down comforter by a crackling fire, I felt a love I had only heard about but could never accept. I was an utter failure. I wasn’t good. No matter how hard I tried, I didn’t deserve it, but here it was—a love so real I couldn’t even scoff at how much of a cliché it was. I was loved. In all my failures, I was loved. And the realization that this ABBA Father knew me intimately, and had a greater plan for me than my timeline entailed set in with full force. I didn’t know what was going to come next, but for the first time, it didn’t matter. Even the impending certainty that I would be called to indefinite singleness, didn’t make me cringe. I was not in charge anymore. If God’s plan led me to a life of celibacy and singleness, I would accept it without question.

But God’s ideas are not our ideas. I gave up, and God gave me Bo.

In a test of my newfound faith and trust, God called Bo and I to step out in a radical way, and be married sooner rather than later. God had molded and shaped this incredible man in the previous years, and he was ready. If I was serious about my promise to unclench my control-filled hands, God had the most amazing gift ready for me. It wasn’t on my timetable, I didn’t have all my ducks in a row, and perhaps most importantly, I didn’t even know if I was ready. But that was the point. God didn’t want me ready or strong or resilient by my own volition. He wanted to shape me in His way and in His time.

That was over two years ago. My life now requires not only an open hand, but all too often, open fingers. My plans consistently slip through the cracks like innumerable grains of sand, and that is ok. As wife to a man who is part of an elite special operations group, I take each day as it comes—thankful for the days when my husband is home and fully reliant for the many days he is gone and our lives are in the air. I have no control, but I am happy and I am blessed. I understand the love and desire of a very real heavenly Father when he says in Jeremiah, “For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Many would say I live a crazy life. I would have it no other way.

Life Now

2009-08-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 months since i've graduated. Two months since i started working. Vegas is hot, and i miss school. Life is weird i've decided as you grow up. The way I pictured it working out isn't necessarily reality, and on one hand that is fine. On the other hand, it makes me yearn for what else is out there. I refuse to let this 9-5 life be it. "Normalcy" i've decided is subpar. I don't know what yet, but i'm going to do more --- I have to.

Three Cups of Tea

2009-06-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

"THE ENEMY IS IGNORANCE"

Dr. Greg Mortenson, aka Dr. Greg, as he is so fondly called by Pakistani, Afghani and Balti alike, has made my head spin as i finish an incredible read of his inspiring account of his mission to promote peace with books not bombs over the past decade. Maybe its his residence in Bozeman, Montana that strikes a cord, or maybe its the fact that he has single handedly done more for this region than our whole military might has seemed to be able to muster.

From a successful K2 climber in the Hindu Kush to a passionate activist for the right of the Baltisan people to be granted education that promotes no religion, no sect, no gender, and no agenda, Dr. Greg Mortenson is a true 21st century hero. His story, Three Cups of Tea, is a must read and soon after finishing the last word, i am left aching to help his cause....a cause too large for one man or one organization to bear, but one that Mortenson has admirably and successfully continued to attempt.

How can we, as a nation, hope to bring peace to a nation when we prioritize education, clean water, and women's rights far below the often idealized notion of security and democracy? Yes, the latter too are oh so important, but they will be forever at risk when core of the problem is left ignored. In a country where lack of education leads young boys to flock to the Madrassas where they are indoctrined by extremist jihadi, doesn't building schools to teach basic arithmetic, history, literature and science and not just militant jihadi make sense??

"Vast swaths of the country were barely served by Pakistan's (also true in Afghanistan) struggling, inadequately funded public schools. The madrassa system targeted the impoverished students the public system failed. By offering free room and board and building schools in areas where none existed, madrassas provided millions of Pakistan's parents with their only opportunity to educate their children (pg. 243)."

Determined to see this change, Mortenson has since established 78 schools serving over 28,000 students in the most remote and often war torn areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. He has survived an armed kidnapping, multiple death threats and fatwas by angry mullahs and literally hundreds of trips from the US to what President Clinton dubbed "the most dangerous place in the world today." If he is not a hero, i'm not sure who would be.

Mortenson has had tea with the Taliban and sat alone with the shrouded Mother Theresa just days after her passing. He has spoken with presidents and generals, with military and civilian, influential and not. He has given and given....in the hope that the lives of the people of this often forgotten corner of the world would be better....and in that, the lives of people the world around. His cause is one of the most noble i have come across, and his mission more inspiring that mere words can do justice.

For some -- in highschool and in select parts of the military-- this book is a required read. I believe it should also be for the operators i am surrounded by and so proud of. Tactics are not solely taught on the training field.

worth a thousand words

2009-04-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Just to peak the curiosity . . .

A Country Apart

2009-04-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

I graduate in two weeks and will finally be

home full time with Bo. Perhaps it is that, or perhaps it is partly due to the stories from abroad that naturally come from such an absence as deployment, but i am itching for the chance to travel once more. After living abroad twice, and undertaking the stimulating challenge of immersing myself in different cultures, i feel claustrophobic and ancy if I am in one place for too long. I had never had much of an interest in traveling to the middle east, but more and more i am intrigued by the curious pictures coming from Bo's camera. No, the country does not have particularly beautiful monuments or "touristy" areas. Even something particularly noteworthy is not easy to find. These pictures belie a sense of something much deeper however. How does a people forced to live this ruggedly survive? What would a women whose sole endeavor is to care for her husband and her children while obeying every law and mandate do for fun? What are the lessons taught in these schools like? How do these farmers make a living with their utter lack of modern machinery or even irrigation? Who are these Afghanis?

Seeing the children

2009-04-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Listening to my podcast should give you a better sense of the guys' mission and what they were able to do while deployed. Its both interesting and painful for me to hear of the incredible amount of children being caught in the crossfire of this war every day. The physical wounds are acute and desperately evident. There is also the more subtle would they all suffer mentally through the hardship and confusion of living life in a third world country and through a wobbly and distorted lens of the "outside" world that is often misconstrued and wharping. To many of these kids, we are the enemy. Does that not cause you to flinch? For an overall mission who's goal is as much humanitarian as combative, the knowledge that many of these Afghani children are growing up learning to hate us is discouraging to say the least.

Not all feel that way, of course. Hopefully not even a majority. For the pararescumen flying overhead there are many waves and excited yells, but there are also those kids throwing rocks and shaking their fists as a stoic reminder that even 8 years after the war has started the local people are not convinced their lives are any better. War is not pretty, and the steps taken to secure our homeland are not always easy. However, trying to reconcile the fact that they are so bred to hate us is a bitter pill to swallow.

I am proud and thankful for the military forces over there -- ours and the other coalition forces. The work Bo and his team were able to do, especially medically, is noteworthy. For a country and an enemy who have no qualms using their own people and their own children as collateral damage, the job of rescuing and treating these wounded seems endless. I can only pray that out of the horror of war, comes peace, and not just a peace with bondage and oppression, but a peace that stems from optimism and freedom.

from the front lines...

2009-04-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

The stories Bo had on his return gave me the chills-- both because of how real war has become and how proud i am of the work Bo and his team was able to do for the coalition forces and the local Afghan people.

Here is an excerpt from a look inside...

Bo White Podcast

The wait is over

2009-04-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

He's home! True to form his plane was delayed even once more to prolong the anticipation of his return just a few more hours. I was told by other wives though, that as soon as I saw him, i wouldn't remember how frustrating it might have been and all my worries would fade into the distance. They couldn't have been more right. I have my baby back. It is an unbelievably good feeling.

24 hours

2009-04-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

It's less than a day away now...i can't sit still, i can't eat, and i definitely couldn't sleep last night. I feel a little like i did when i knew i was meeting him for the first time.

It seems like i've waited forever for him to come home. Tomorrow will be an amazing day.

all butterflies

2009-04-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

Bo is coming home so soon! After his arrival date changing four times and now a week to ten days later than expected, he is en route. They left Afghanistan today and were traveling to Italy, Spain and then home to Nellis AFB. I know they had a 16-20 hour layover in Spain, so i'm imagining him right now on the beaches of southern Spain sipping sangria and taking in the sun and civilization around him. I know he was ready to come home....saying i am ready for him is an understatement.

Hearing on Friday that he was coming home not in a few days, but in a whole other week was like a punch in my gut. We had already made a lot of plans for the following week, including appointments with realtors, mechanics for his truck, etc. Everything was able to get rescheduled however, and i've actually done well keeping insanely busy this week. My broadcast reel is coming together and the third VUSN news show will hopefully be edited by tomorrow. It has been so challenging, but also rewarding this semester to push myself in the broadcast realm and do things i've never done before. It would be easy to say i couldn't because i've never been really trained at anything broadcast, or even had a real class on it. For me, its been a trial and error journey though, and i am proud of what i have produced and accomplished this semester. We also just came out with the 10th and final issue of The Voice. We put in an insane amount of work on this last issue and wanted so badly to go out with a bang. It was great to see it come together and everyone really pull through. From the feedback we've gotten, it was out best issue to date. THAT is a good feeling.

Without Bo, I've really poured myself into my work this year. In part because it took my mind off the loneliness and the daily challenge of a strenuous workload was somehow soothing as I could never get out of my mind how hard Bo was working and what strain he was under. Perhaps in that struggle, i felt closer to him. Now that he is coming home, these last few weeks before graduation are going to be tough to maintain any motivation.

Almost There!

2009-03-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

Although it is still skeptical until they have actually landed back at Nellis AFB, Bo is supposed to be home in the next 10-12 days! All things considered the last few months have gone by extremely fast, and now that the end is approaching and i can't do anything but look at the clock, time seems to be at a stand still.

Since when did two weeks take so long? I am taking a week off of school when Bo gets in. It will be unbelievably good to just be with him....to just get lost in each other all over again. We're going to go to IA to buy him a truck soon after he gets back....can anyone say roadtrip!? :)

One good thing about the military is at least in this day and time we have some stability to fall back on. I don't know if i'll be able to find a job, but at least we aren't nervous about his. Its good to feel anticipation, hope, and expectation. The countdown is on.

Class Dismissed

2009-03-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

The eastern border of Afghanistan butts sharply up against Pakistan, but the exchange of ideals and extremism seems almost fluid between the two countries especially in the border tribal lands. Where Afghanistan has denied its girls education under the Taliban regime, most of Pakistan has -- if not directly supported it--at least allowed its existence. With the presence of Taliban militants increasing, especially along the border regions, that is quickly changing.

Many people have questioned our tactics in this ongoing war against such a fluid enemy whose tentacles are far-reaching and expanding despite our concerted efforts. Many have wondered at the affect more humanitarian aid would bring to a people who often resort to the strictest islamic extremism because nothing else has given them hope. Education is key to this effort to giving the people - whether Iraqi, Afghani or Pakistani--a way to live honorably and progressively. It is also one of the main targets which the Taliban want to close down. Education for girls has seen the brunt of it. The New York Times ran in incredible short documentary on the plight of these school girls in the Swat region of Pakistan. It is entitled "Class Dismissed in Swat Valley"

Over 50,000 girls in this little valley in northwestern Pakistan have been forced to quit their education. Fearing for the safety of their families and their own lives, school authorities have been threatened into shutting the doors of schools struggling to bring a country's young hope and a brighter future. Girls still risking it have been found mauled, burned with acid, and beheaded. The Pakistan government allows education for girls, but in this and other areas, their rule is no match for the Taliban presence in the towns and surrounding villages and the demands of obedience that go out every night on the FM radio.

The thing that strikes me so much is the intense desire to learn these children have. Looking around them, they know there is more to life than incessant fighting. The girls want to make a difference just as much as the boys. They envision themselves as female doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers. They have hopes and dreams and now are stowed away, afraid to come out of their gated dirt yards. The Taliban shows no mercy and every day those who were too interested in "social causes" are found in the town square beheaded, beaten, or worse. The fight to learn is unreal in these children. They are not happy with complacency. They want more and when all around them is unrest and hopelessness, their optimism and determination are hopefully the needed drops in a swelling tide for change.

Greg Mortenson was a wellknown mountain climber attempting to summit the treacherous K2 mountain in the Hindu Kush. His book, "Three Cups of Tea" is an inspiring account of how he stumbled into this Pakistani village lost, malnourished, and near death. The Balti people brought him back to strength and in the process, Mortenson gained an incredible understanding and appreciation for the hearty mountain people whose own survival was barely scraped from the rough existence on one of the world's tallest mountain ranges foothills. Unable to hire a full time teacher or build a school, the children of Korphe studied outside in the cold, often by themselves, determinedly scratching out multiplication tables in the dirt with a stick.

Mortenson described their dogged determination: "Can you imagine a fourth-grade class in America, alone, without a teacher, sitting there quietly and working on their lessons? I felt like my hear was being torn out. There was a fierceness in their desire to learn, despite how mightily everything was stacked against them." With that experience burned in his memory, Mortenson returned to America to fulfill his promise to build the children of Korphe a school. Over the next decade , Mortenson built not just one but fifty-five schools --especially for girls--in the forbidding terrain that gave birth to the Taliban.

If one man can make such a difference, how can we as a nation not succeed in our endeavor to bring not just peace, but a better way of life to a people and a land that so desperately wants it?

Not in the Know

2009-02-25T18:35:00.000-08:00

Part of what makes a deployment so hard is the complete lack of information that a soldier...a special forces PJ....can tell his wife. I am insanely curious by nature. My mother always teased me about how curious i was from even before i could talk. Perhaps part of that curiosity about the world and those around me has evolved into the desire to pursue journalism.

Bo and I get to talk fairly often but i want to know every detail, every nuance of what his day entails. Its bad enough he has to be away from me, but it makes it more bearable if i can share his days with him. I know that it is not his choice to not tell me things, but literally is for the sake of his team, and the cause in Afghanistan. You literally never know who is listening i guess.

I was perusing the New York Times to see if i could find out anything about what maybe Bo is doing....

Kabul, Afghanistan (AP) -- A roadside bomb killed four United States soldiers in southern Afghanistan on Tuesday, the United States military said, the latest example of the growing strength of the insurgency there as President Obama prepares to deploy additional troops to the country

In southern Helmand Province on Monday, coalition and Afghan forces killed 16 militants when responding to gunfire from insurgents on their convoy, the United States military said in another statement...

In whatever action Bo sees or doesn't see,

I guess my greatest hope is for him to find fulfillment. He joined this

career field to help, to rescue, to go in when no one else could or would; he joined to serve. "The mission of a US AF Pararescueman is to recover downed and injured aircrew members in austere and non-permissive environments." He is one of the most highly trained men out there. His safety is in God's hand....as is his ability to be used.

"hacking the mish"

2009-02-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

So the guys over in the "sandbox" as they like to call it often refer to their jobs as "hacking the mish". That is what they live for--doing the mission. Cutting through the red tape and get the opportunity to actually do what they've been training for years to do is always a challenge and one of their greatest frustrations. In fact, because of one reason or the other, their inability to do the job they are way more than qualified to do, is one of the top reasons guys get out of this AF Special Ops field.

I often feel like i'm "hacking the mish" myself back here in the states. Although i wanted a full last semester to keep myself busy while Bo is gone, i've never had a more stressful, more difficult few months. The term workaholic is depressingly, albeit not by choice, accurate. I love challenging myself and staying busy with projects and schoolwork i find truly fulfilling, but there is no way i could do this amount for very long. Thank goodness i have zero desire to go to grad school any time soon. :)

So while my husband may be fulfilling the real meaning of the term, i find myself feeling pretty beat up by the same concept. 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week. My "deployment" here to VU will be up with my May 9 graduation and I'll finally have my diploma in one hand and my husband's hand in my other. What a good feeling that will be.

A Needed Surge

2009-02-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone is talking about the expected 30,000 troop surge to Afghanistan. Many of those troops are already there or are en route--my husband's base no exception. The real question remains though, what is this relatively small number of increased ground power really going to do? The country-side remains the real threat and most agree the Taliban is growing faster than we can force them out. The big cities remain in NATO's control, however the vast majority of the population live in tiny villages scattered like toothpicks on a bare kitchen floor. A nightmare of a situation to take control of and then to keep that control.

Anne Applebaum in her Op-Ed Column of the Washington Post argues that the only "surge" that will last is if the Afghan army itself is enlarged to where it is able to have a real and visible presence in the whole of the country. Right now its some 80,000 soldiers are hardly that. I am inclined to agree, as well, with her notion of the Afghan military being one of the few solutions to unifying a country who's tribes, dialects, and ethnicities are mind-bogglingly numerous. National identity is crucial to instill in these soldiers who come together for a common cause--one they can believe in and have a real hand in creating--and who can also instill that feeling in their fellow country-men.

The Allied troops who are there are brave, loyal and most have the best intentions. We are not, however, Afghani and are not privy to a complete understanding of an exceptionally unique civilization who has withstood a surprising number of invaders. So the point is this: Our ability to enable the Afghans to not only defend their country themselves, but to create national identity in which it is possible to defend it, is undeniably crucial to our success in this war against terrorism. This surge of troops must have the goal of not just seeking out the Taliban or providing support, but also for helping to create an institution in Afghanistan of which their own people can admire, respect and ultimately trust.

The timetable for this will not be indefinite. Already our support is waning and the number of innocent civilians caught in the cross-fire increasing. In another article in the Washington Post, author John F. Kerry said, "We shouldn't delude ourselves into thinking that we are in anything but a race against time in a region suspicious of foreign footprints...Our goal has never been to dominate Afghanistan but, rather, to eliminate al-Qaeda's haven and to empower Afghans to govern their country in line with their best interests and our national security."

We must win the battle of the support of the Afghani people, specifically through training their military, to ensure our success over the Taliban. And we must win them over soon.

woman to woman

2009-01-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

I often wonder about the women of the Middle East. I wonder if they truly realize the disparity in the lives they lead with the lives women in developed countries lead. I wonder if repression and oppression become so instilled they just become content? And if they aren't content, could they ever be truly happy? I read the book, Infidel, in the past year or so. It is an amazing and insightful book that portrays the intricacies of living as a woman in a muslim society. The woman who wrote it literally took her own life in her hands to publish this unfiltered truth of a life and religious culture she claims can hold literally no hope or promise for women.

I am blessed because of so many things, but largely, because i can choose. I can say "I will". I have ownership over that pronoun. ....how much of the world does not. I can't stress enough the freedom that is found in my faith, either. Because of a conscientious choice I made to surrender to a Saviour who knows me intimately; to give him everything; to give him that "choice" i clung to so desperately, I am now know the greatest freedom i've ever experienced. The paradox is strangely quieting. I feel for those women...my heart breaks for the life they have had to endure and the future they know awaits. I want to help them, but i'm not sure how.

not all roses

2009-01-24T22:41:00.000-08:00

So compared to fifty years ago, communication with deployed family members in the military is much more advanced. Satellite phones, skype, internet, and emails all transmit messages instantly over half the circumference of the globe to enable a stream of thought that in previous wars was unheard of.

All that is true. But still. It doesn't feel like enough. I miss my husband.

Because i've had to finish school four hours away from where we are stationed, coupled with the amount of time Bo is gone for different training schools, we have dealt with being long distance for the majority of our relationship. It's not fun, but you grit your teeth and push through because you know its for a greater good and its not going to last forever. Those days felt easier though with the constant communication that was at our disposal. Going from that to just a couple times a week (and we can't skype) feels like deprivation.

I was reading again about the situation in southern Afghanistan and now the Swat region of Pakistan. The Taliban is gaining more control in the countryside and has taken a sizeable bite out of Afghanistan's bordering country. Although Obama is promising to send more troops to help keep the country from slipping back into the Taliban's control, many don't think the numbered 30,000 troops will even begin to be enough. Afghani locals are apathetic at best towards their government and even the NATO troops that have promised to bring reform to their country but are now finding their hands tied as they try to back that promise up. For the troops i can't imagine how frustrating it must be as they spend all their resources to shore up control of the main cities only to see the country side and the very people they are risking their lives for wind up in Taliban hands. Unless Obama and the rest of NATO steps up with more troops and more resolve to see this thing out, we are fighting a losing battle.

I am incredibly proud of my husband and the job he is doing in southern Afghanistan as a PJ. Not only is he one of the highest trained operators out there, he is ready and willing to do whatever necessary to get the job done. He believes in defending the freedoms we hold so dear and enabling the oppressed to have the opportunity for those same freedoms. The sacrifices every single man and woman who is deployed, has been deployed, or has a loved one deployed cannot be just for wishful thinking. Lets do the job. If we truly do "hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal," we can't do this thing half-way.

What is our sacrifice worth, if, in the end, it accomplishes nothing?

The faces of defiant hope

2009-01-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

Books like "Kite Runner" and "A Thousand Splendid Suns" steadily evolve into faces that become more real and stories that make you cringe, but demand to be heard. Those books might have been written from a time decades past, but the experiences within are not long gone. Its hard to not think Afghanistan is in the same miry, sand pit its struggled in for so long. Haven't the last eight years made any difference? The New York Times op/ed page sheds light on an ongoing struggle that threatens our very confidence that life is indeed better in what is referred to as "the sandbox." Here is an excerpt from that editorial, www.nytimes.com/2009/01/17/opinion/17sat3.html

"Ms. Husseini is a student at the Mirwais School for Girls outside Kandahar. Two months ago, as she was walking to school with her sister, a man on a motorcycle sprayed her with acid, burning her face and eyelids. Fourteen other students and teachers were attacked that day in an attempt to shut down the school. It failed.

As Ms. Husseini told our colleague Dexter Filkins, 'The people who did this to me don't want women to be educated. They want us to be stupid things.' Ms. Husseini's parents told her 'to keep coming to school even if I am killed.'

The Taliban denied responsibility for the assaults at the Mirwais school. But one of the group's signature and most shameful repressions during the years it ran Afghanistan was its ban on educating girls. As it has regained power and territory, it has been attacking schools and female students."

-----------------------------
American soldiers, along with Nato allies, are spread thin across Afghanistan and especially in the south--the birthplace of the Taliban. A PJ like those in my husband's unit, are tasked with the job of rescuing, defending, and extracting those injured or downed soldiers and Afghani civilians no matter the terrain, weather, or threat of hostile fire. What life, however, do we rescue those Afghani civilians for? If the life they lead in our presence and after we leave is not better than the life they had under the Taliban, our job is not done.

A New Chapter

2009-01-19T17:04:00.000-08:00

John Stuart Mill once said, "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important that his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

That was over a 150 years ago, but time has yet to erase its strong ringing truth.

Welcome to this blog. As an Air Force wife, whose Special Forces husband is deep in Afghanistan, these are my thoughts, fears, and frustrations with the military, the war, the life back home and the many faceless persons so far away in whom i see a beautiful, desperate hope.

This blog is the Eye of The Storm.

My summer internship at ABC in Las Vegas

2008-04-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

So although this isn't my first day "on the job", this will be my first internship blog post and i think its as good a day as any to start. My husband and i learned we'd be in Las Vegas (he is stationed at Nellis AFB) just a few months before our arrival date the beginning of April. I had spent a lot of time searching out and interviewing for prospective summer internships here and was so excited to have one come through at the ABC affiliate - KTNV Channel 13 Action News. Three days after we got to town I started and already now have high expectations for an exciting summer in the news biz.

I am interning under Katie Bencze, the community affairs director here at KTNV and love her hands-on, throw-me-in-the-thick-of-it approach. She is heavily involved with the PR and community programs of KTNV and hasn't hesitated to let me be her constant and watchful shadow. Two of our main projects are the Jefferson Awards and "Las Vegas' favorite charity," Opportunity Village.

The Jefferson Awards is a program where KTNV partners with Wells Fargo to highlight and thank local people who are making an impact in their community. Winners are chosen from dozens of nominations sent to the station every month and awarded prizes and air time for their stories on the nightly news. All 12 months' winners are brought together once a year for a luncheon where a national winner is announced who will travel to Washington D.C. to represent the Jefferson Award winner for Southern Nevada. That annual luncheon, held in the Palm Restaurant of Caesar's Palace (on the strip) was my first day on the job. Nothing like starting strong!

Opportunity Village is an exciting project to be working on as well. OV was started in 1954 and today is Nevada's largest private not-for-profit community rehabilitation organization for intellectually and physically disabled persons. Offering vocational assessment and training, employment, therapeutic respite, advocacy, art enrichment and social programs and services, Opportunity Village provides people with disabilities the opportunity to live, work and play in the community. It serves over 3000 individuals and has a waiting list so large, a third campus is now under construction. KTNV is hosting a telethon in June which will help to raise the much needed funds for this project.

The station is in a brand new building and only the second one in the city to have switched to HD. The people here are awesome and its an exciting place to see what i've studied come to life.

VUSN.net feature story

2007-12-12T01:08:00.000-08:00

“The Network” Launches the Communications Department and Vanguard University into the Future

By Nicole K. White

It’s innovative, bold, and refreshingly optimistic.

VUSN.net is a brand new online broadcast featuring the hard work of communications’ students in both the communication studies and cinema/digital media concentrations. Different from last year’s Sports Network, this year’s Vanguard University Student Network is taking traditional network programming to a whole new level. By creating a broadcast for students by students, The Network has created an idea of what an internet entertainment channel could look like, tying in everything from local and national news to VU sport highlights to links for popular sites to spotlights on Vanguard students and campus events.

Vanguard has never seen anything like The Network, and according to Professor Ann Cleveland, for most of the students involved, the idea of this online broadcast has been their first foray into a new media marketplace. The Network class has “been able to give students unprecedented exposure and opportunity for future employers,” Cleveland said. “The students have created their own shows, marketed strategies and understood the grassroots side of media.”
For Professor Cleveland, who worked at Sony Entertainment and whose foundation is in the birth of that new media marketplace, it has been an eye-opening and exciting experience to combine what she knows about making it and the class’s vision of creating it. The class has been a way for students to up their game. Instead of just making a project to simply fulfill an assignment, The Network is a medium of communication to show their work to friends, family, and most importantly future employers.

Most other schools are still teaching an “old-school” style of journalism. A real world workplace, however, dictates a much more rounded, all-encompassing and innovative approach. Those students equipped with the knowledge and experiences gained in a class such as The Network are far more ready for a job in the media world. Ideas started and birthed in classes like The Network are what will eventually become the products and media of the future.
With VUSN.net, students are taking those ideas and seeing, first hand, what they are able to achieve. The end result becomes much more than the fulfillment of a simple assignment. For Senior Carolyn Templin, creator and producer of a Network show highlighting different community events, this class has given her a unique opportunity. “It’s very hands on and allows us to take responsibility for the outcome of the project,” Templin said. “I think we all care more about this class than we would just writing papers.”

“Seeing what they are able to bring to the table,” Cleveland said, “makes each student the owner of their content. They are proud of their achievements and can take that knowledge and run with it.”

So far in this first semester, the The Network class has created a website, http://www.vusn.net/, and produced over 16 shows with each shows final episode due the first week in December. On November 1st the release party for The Network and VUSN.net was held in the cove and was a huge success for the class. Many members were added and in between rousing games of DDR and guitar hero, clips of the different shows were publicized. There are still big plans for The Network and next semester will see the increased growth of the website. Members are being added all the time and anyone can join by going to VUSN.net.

A Thought

2007-12-12T00:43:00.000-08:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "Do not go where the path my lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

As producer of "In Focus" this past semester, the stories of students that have caught my eye have indeed been those who have sought out their own paths, students who chose the road less traveled by. They are students with a passion to do the seemingly impossible, students dedicated to providing hope when before none existed, and most of all, students who never gave up forging their way into the unknown.

The students spotlighted this semester in my show have all been inspired to go the extra mile. They created paths where there were none, and now, the way has been opened for those who would follow. Some of these students have already been met with rousing success, while others' quiet faith is ever hopeful for the success of those they are serving. Krochet Kids, Shaun Blaylock and the Jeremiah Project, and Tom Riggs' 305 hit are just a few of the many examples out there. Their dedication and heart for their work is an inspiration.

VUSN.net feature story

2007-12-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

“The Network” Launches the Communications Department and Vanguard University into the Future
By Nicole K. White

It’s innovative, bold, and refreshingly optimistic.

VUSN.net is a brand new online broadcast featuring the hard work of communications’ students in both the communication studies and cinema/digital media concentrations. Different from last year’s Sports Network, this year’s Vanguard University Student Network is taking traditional network programming to a whole new level. By creating a broadcast for students by students, The Network has created an idea of what an internet entertainment channel could look like, tying in everything from local and national news to VU sport highlights to links for popular sites to spotlights on Vanguard students and campus events.
Vanguard has never seen anything like The Network, and according to Professor Ann Cleveland, for most of the students involved, the idea of this online broadcast has been their first foray into a new media marketplace. The Network class has “been able to give students unprecedented exposure and opportunity for future employers,” Cleveland said. “The students have created their own shows, marketed strategies and understood the grassroots side of media.”
For Professor Cleveland, who worked at Sony Entertainment and whose foundation is in the birth of that new media marketplace, it has been an eye-opening and exciting experience to combine what she knows about making it and the class’s vision of creating it. The class has been a way for students to up their game. Instead of just making a project to simply fulfill an assignment, The Network is a medium of communication to show their work to friends, family, and most importantly future employers.
Most other schools are still teaching an “old-school” style of journalism. A real world workplace, however, dictates a much more rounded, all-encompassing and innovative approach. Those students equipped with the knowledge and experiences gained in a class such as The Network are far more ready for a job in the media world. Ideas started and birthed in classes like The Network are what will eventually become the products and media of the future.
With VUSN.net, students are taking those ideas and seeing, first hand, what they are able to achieve. The end result becomes much more than the fulfillment of a simple assignment. For Senior Carolyn Templin, creator and producer of a Network show highlighting different community events, this class has given her a unique opportunity. “It’s very hands on and allows us to take responsibility for the outcome of the project,” Templin said. “I think we all care more about this class than we would just writing papers.”
“Seeing what they are able to bring to the table,” Cleveland said, “makes each student the owner of their content. They are proud of their achievements and can take that knowledge and run with it.”

So far in this first semester, the The Network class has created a website, www.VUSN.net, and produced over 16 shows with each shows final episode due the first week in December. On November 1st the release party for The Network and VUSN.net was held in the cove and was a huge success for the class. Many members were added and in between rousing games of DDR and guitar hero, clips of the different shows were publicized. There are still big plans for The Network and next semester will see the increased growth of the website. Members are being added all the time and anyone can join by going to VUSN.net.

In Focus: Shaun Blaylock

2007-11-29T14:36:00.000-08:00

Shaun Blaylock is an outspoken advocate of underprivileged children in Orange County and around the country. Check out the latest episode of In Focus to hear more of his story.