An Evolution

It has been a while since I've posted anything on here. Looking back I was pretty focused on deeper, insightful themes. Life evolves, however, and the eye of my current storm involves decidedly more swings, swaddles, and spit-up. Perhaps blogging about life as a new mother and the fantastically deep discoveries of a newborn is too sharp a deviation from this blogs original theme. I guess we'll see, though. My life has undeniably shifted with the birth of Forrest Kane White. (November 25, 2013) Perhaps this new stream of consciousness will be for little more than grandparents and girlfriends. Regardless, this blog will just have to keep up with life as we now know it.

Lost in the Jungle

Relevant.com has quickly become one of my favorite Christian news/entertainment outlets. Their stories are yes, relevant, thought-provoking and they don't steer away from the sensitive issues most Christian organizations would rather just not talk about. Sex, Homosexuality, Depression, Abuse, Faith Issues, Complacency, Hypocrisy, etc etc etc. It is there, and it is real and raw.

Hitting home today is a blog entitled "Breaking Out of Our Cages."

Most of us would say we want the kind of life that is filled with passion, novelty, faith, vibrancy, anticipation and depth. Does that describe your life? I wish it described mine. The truth is that these characteristics describe an undomesticated existence, one that requires constant risk and an ability to survive in the wild.

The wild is where God is walking. The front yard is where most of us are staying.

One of the annoying things about living in the wild is that we have no idea what is going to happen next. The word “annoying” doesn’t really describe the feeling … it’s more like exhausting. Sure it’s exciting at first. But after a while it gets really hard trying to plan a life where plans are not part of the plan. The problem is that humanity has a deep need to create some sense of stability in this chaotic universe we have been thrown in to, yet, at the same time, we have an even deeper need to surrender control to the God who threw us here.

We are at war within ourselves between control and surrender, captivity and the wild.

This is me.

I am in the wild right now . . . but its not what i thought it would be. Security for me would be career success. Security would be career movement. Security would be knowing what is next. I don't. So, for me, for yet another day, I feel like I'm in the jungle. I believe God has us to live in the wild as it pertains to trusting in him for direction and guidance. This blog states, "We were born for the jungle. We live to build our own cages."

Cages don't seem enticing, rewarding or satisfying. But I feel like in a cage, i'd at least know where I was. I would know what to plan for. I would know what was expected. I would know what to do. If the wild is where i'm supposed to be, why do I feel so lost? The wild is an adventure yes, but it is also painful and frustrating and heart-wrenching. The wild for me is simply being completely helpless. The wild for me is not understanding "the plan"....not understanding why God won't lead me somewhere...anywhere ... I am wandering in this wild jungle because I believe with my whole heart God's will is what I want. But the wild isn't always the place we romanticize about. It isn't always the rush of adventure or the thrill of the unknown. The wild is a lonely, desolate place.

Religious Test Gives Us an "F"

Basic Religion Test Stumps Many Americans
The New York Times

When it comes to religion, most Americans are deeply ignorant. So says the new poll from the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. Sadly, it's not that surprising to me. We are a "religious" people. Many of us would say we are "spiritual." We go to church or some other form of weekly gathering. We worship, fellowship, get "filled up" and then go on our merry way. But are we so caught up in practicing our faith we forget the fundamentals about The Bible, about Jesus, about other religions? How are we ever supposed to intelligently speak to someone about the differences in what we believe if a question about Ramadan leaves us perplexed or the only Joseph Smith we can remember is our favorite teller at the bank?

I am definitely not advocating a departure from the intimate, personal faith walk to a cold fact and figure based knowledge that could rival the Pharisees. I think it is concerning however, that we could say we are a religious people and not know or remember who the father of the Protestant Reformation was. How are we to understand what it means to be Christian, understand our own faith walk, understand the heart and power of our Heavenly Father if we don't understand how deeply intertwined faith and history are? To know where we are going, we have to understand where we have come -- as a religion, as a race, as a country.

Not only did the New York Times article on this poll report that most people could answer only half the questions correctly (and most flubbed up questions on their own faith), but those who scored the highest were atheists and agnostics. This excerpt from the NY Times article makes me cringe . . .

That finding might surprise some, but not Dave Silverman, president of American Atheists, an advocacy group for nonbelievers that was founded by Madalyn Murray O’Hair.

“I have heard many times that atheists know more about religion than religious people,” Mr. Silverman said. “Atheism is an effect of that knowledge, not a lack of knowledge. I gave a Bible to my daughter. That’s how you make atheists.”

"Atheism is an effect of that knowledge [religious knowledge], not a lack" . . . Silverman says. And like a slap in the face to Christianity, the way to make an Atheist? Give them a Bible. I don't pretend to understand the heart of one who says there is no God when all around them are the imaginative Creator's fingerprints. I do believe though, that the Bible holds the key to Truth - whether one accepts it or not. As Christians, we believe the Bible to be the definitive Word of God. As we know and study it, our eyes are opened and our heart is softened. Our obligation is to know the Bible, to study it, to hide its words in our hearts. Why? To use it - to use it against the lies and deceit of the enemy who says there is no God. It is not only the Bible, though, that enables us to put into words our faith in a personal Savior. What was it about the Roman Catholic faith that Martin Luther found ultimately empty? What was his soul yearning for that couldn't be satisfied with works or penance or tradition? History and a knowledge about how religion has played a part can and should be our teacher too.

Modern Christianity vilifies the term "religious" in favor of "spiritual" or "Christ-follower." Have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater? Isn't it our obligation as "Christ-followers" to know and understand "religion" too?

Country First

"Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives."
- John Adams

Reading the 700+ page biography, John Adams, by David McCullough, has caused me both consternation and incredible awe over a man, or rather a couple, that aught to be revered more. Yes, he was the second president of the United States and yes, he was an influential founding father. Beyond these two vague and loosely thrown around terms, however, stands a man whose devotion to his country bordered on the superhuman. In an age where travel was limited to mainly horse or boat, Adams journeyed more than 29,000 miles in the service of his country. He crossed the Atlantic four times, traveled thousands of miles in France, Spain, the Netherlands, and England and spent nearly 10 consecutive years away from his beloved homeland in the quest for securing peace, prosperity and independence for the brand new United States of America. That his dedication was perhaps one of the most driving forces behind the fledgling America's bid for freedom and independence is a fact few would argue. It was his devotion, though, in the face of all odds and at the price of long separations from his "dearest friend" Abigail that I doubt many today fully appreciate.

I hear myself complaining about what is asked of my husband (and us as a couple) by the military way more than I am proud to admit. The incredible intensity, focus, and time this latest six-month training program has demanded of Bo has had me at my wits end more than once as I struggle to give him the space he needs and the freedom to put "us" totally on the back burner. Every success he's had in this program and every hurdle he's jumped has been a victory for both of us, and I have really really tried - in both word and deed - to support him unconditionally. I have to admit, though, my brave face has seen its share of ups and downs, and I'm afraid the "strong, independent" woman Bo thought he married has become an emotional, needy basket case on more than one occasion.

It is during these past few months that I have read about Abigail Adams and can't help but feel ashamed of my own weakness and more than a little baffled at her fortitude of spirit and support of her husband in the face of incredible personal sacrifice. Theirs was a match of equal intellects and passions. John described their connection as "steel to a magnet" and for the entirety of their long marriage would rely upon her for not only encouragement, but her advice and opinions on the large looming matters of the day - the American Revolution and subsequent forming of a republic. Abigail understood and loved her husband all the more for his inability to stay quiet on such matters or stay home when there was so much work to be done.

"You cannot be, I know, nor do I wish to see you, an inactive spectator . . . We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them," she wrote.

She also saw, as did her husband, the need to completely break away from England even when many continued to hope for peaceful compromise with the mother country. She wrote to John while he was in Philadelphia at the Continental Congress, "A people may let a King fall, yet still remain a people, but if a King let his people slip from him, he is no longer a King. And as this is most certainly our case, why not proclaim to the world in decisive terms our own importance?"

"I think you shine as a stateswoman," he responded proudly, calling her his "choicest blessing." Although apart for years at a time, their correspondence leaves little doubt as to how much they relied on each other and respected each other.

Abigail and John's time apart was frequent and always uncertain in length. Once, home from the Continental Congress for just a few short months, Adams left again, this time leaving Abigail pregnant. He was gone nearly a year this time as Abigail went through her entire pregnancy and delivered a still-born baby girl with only his frequent letters to give her strength. She bravely wrote to tell him the news, adding, "Tis almost 14 years since we were united, but not more than half that time we had the happiness of living together. The unfeeling world may consider it in what light they please, I consider it a sacrifice to my country and one of my greatest misfortunes." News of his appointment as Commissioner to France came just weeks after arriving back home. Neither Abigail nor John hesitated in his acceptance of the appointment-- it would be a year and half before they saw each other again. Abigail wrote to her sister, "Known only to my own heart is the sacrifice I have made and the conflict it has cost me." After his return, Adams would be called to serve as diplomat in Europe again the following year, this time he wouldn't see Abigail for over three years.

From lawyer and outspoken patriot to delegate to the First Continental Congress to American diplomat, Adams was instrumental in crafting the final drafts of the Declaration of Independence. He wrote the Massachusetts Constitution - one of the greatest, enduring documents of the American Revolution to this day - established the first foreign legation, was the first signer of the Treaty of Paris ending the Revolutionary War, and appeared before the King of England as the first minister of the new United States of America.

David McCullough writes, "Few Americans ever achieved so much of such value and consequence to their country in so little time. Above all, with his sense of urgency and unrelenting drive, Adams made the Declaration of Independence happen when it did. Had it come later, the course of events could have gone very differently." Some of Adams greatest victories however came in the annals of American diplomacy through his profound and successful work in bringing to the world stage the new and independent United States of America.

Both Abigail and John Adams recognized they lived in monumental times. Their country needed them and it was never a question that they would rise to the occasion and do all they humanely could for the love and sake of that one truest of all ideals - freedom. Their willingness to sacrifice and their passionate drive to build a better country are attributes we all could use to imitate more profoundly. I don't have either spirit or strength equal to that of Abigail Adams, but I do know that Bo and my calling to serve this country we love is infinitely greater than the little sacrifice required. Even in my weakest moments I can cling to that.

great photojournalism of PJ's

Not much is said about the Air Force Pararescuemen. Even their motto, "That Others May Live" is a testament to the silent professionalism these men eschew every day. Nevertheless, in both Iraq and Afghanistan as well as other parts of the world, they are known and respected as the military's best medics and greatest rescue operators in this war. They fly constantly, often performing numerous soirées or missions each shift. As my brother finishes up his second tour in OEF, we strain to understand what life is like over there. . . the daily reality of grim and gory scenes and the band of brothers with which he fights to save yet another life.

This montage by Michael Yon gives some good insight . . . Click above to view the complete link.

From Despair to Delight - Psalm 13

I fight this panicky sense of desperation lately...wanting so badly to have things happen...and watching helplessly as my plans fall like innumerable grains of sand through my fingers. I've pleaded with God these past weeks that His will be done - His will and not mine. But when, yet again, I come up empty handed I struggle with understanding what then His plan is. Am I so far off? How long do I . . .can I. . . wait? And then, like a sweet spring shower bringing life and freshness and hope, I am reminded again that His plan is worth waiting for. That He hasn't forgotten. That no matter what, He is still worthy. More worthy than i could ever fathom.

This is my prayer in the desert, when all else within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides.
And this is my prayer in the fire . . .

I will bring praise, I will bring praise . . . no weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice; I will declare; God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.


Yes God, no matter the circumstances, no matter the struggle, no matter the feelings of desperation, longing, the hunger for answers - I STILL have reason to sing. YOU are my reason to worship. No matter what goes "wrong" in life - YOU are still God.

David, in his darkest hour still clung to the hope that is You. "Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil." He mimics my heart's cry when he asks (Psalm 13:1-3), "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me? . . . Consider and hear me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes."

And then I hear again those words from Hillsong United, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have reason to sing; I have reason to worship." And David wakes, as if from a stupor, (13:5), "But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me."

In EVERY season, You are still God. I have a reason to worship.

I struggle with the truth that I know to be God's love. I believe in it whole-heartedly, have felt it unmistakably, and yet still find myself doubting his affection, his attention, his passion for me. Yes, my very real Heavenly Father loves me. I get that. But when I try to wrap my mind around the idea that He actually delights in making me happy, I struggle. The word love is thrown around so loosely, it's easy to accept the phrase, "He loves you," without fully comprehending the depth of the word. He is passionate that I find myself through Him. He cares about opening my eyes to the path He has set forward . . .MORE than my own desire to see that path. He wants to hear ME...MORE than I long to hear Him. Can we fathom the depths of His longing to commune with us?

He says in Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." I find myself getting so caught up in planning my own future, sometimes i feel like i'm going to God after the fact with, "This is ok, right? This is your plan?"

"I know the plans I have for you" He says. HE KNOWS. The problem? I don't. I think I might. I think I'm hoping I do. But do I trust Him enough to let HIS plans play out in my life, whatever they might be? Do I trust Him enough to let His burning desire to love me and shower me with good things - - things like hope and future - - guide my actions? Do I understand His love enough to trust Him?

I just know I want to.